Most people experience passionate love just twice in their lifetime, according to a recent survey of over 10,000 single adults in the U.S. Even more surprisingly, nearly 14% report never having felt that intense, all-consuming romantic connection. This finding challenges the popular narrative that passionate love is a universal, frequent experience.
The Science of Falling Hard
Psychologist Amanda Gesselman of the Kinsey Institute, who led the study, emphasizes the wide variation in individual experiences. Researchers often break down romantic love into three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passionate love, characterized by intense attraction and longing, tends to dominate relationships early on. However, it’s generally a phase – most couples transition toward a calmer, more stable “companionate” love over time.
The cultural emphasis on passionate romance (fueled by movies, books, and social expectations) doesn’t align with the reality for many people. While narratives often portray it as inevitable, data suggests otherwise. The study provides rare empirical evidence on how common this experience really is.
Key Findings: Age, Gender, and Singlehood
The survey, conducted in 2022-2023, asked participants aged 18 to 99 how many times they’d experienced passionate love. The average was 2.05 times, with older individuals reporting it more frequently. Over a quarter of those aged 18-19 had never felt it, while that figure dropped to 7.6% for those over 70.
There was also a notable gender difference: heterosexual men reported experiencing passionate love more often than heterosexual women. No such difference was found among LGBTQ+ respondents.
Why This Matters: Rethinking Romantic Expectations
These results highlight a crucial point: passionate love is not a given. It is a relatively infrequent experience, and many people may never feel it. This has implications for how we understand relationships and the pressure to conform to idealized romantic narratives.
The study also points to an important gap in research. How do our perceptions of past romances shift over time? Our memories and evaluations of love likely change as we age, which could skew survey results.
Limitations and Future Research
The study’s focus on single individuals is a key limitation. Given that only 31% of the U.S. adult population is unmarried, a survey including partnered people would paint a different picture. People in relationships are more likely to have experienced passionate love at least once.
Furthermore, the phenomenon might extend beyond romance. As singlehood becomes more common, understanding the role of intense emotional bonds in platonic relationships is increasingly important. Passionate connection isn’t exclusive to romantic partnerships; it can exist in friendships and other non-romantic contexts.
“I think that is part of the human repertoire, to feel passionate love” in both romantic and nonromantic relationships. – Jaimie Krems, UCLA Social Psychologist
In conclusion, while the idea of passionate love is romanticized, the data suggests it’s an uncommon experience for many. The study underscores the need for realistic expectations around romance and a broader understanding of intense emotional connections in all forms of relationships.
